I have discovered two tricks that may, or may not, make me more popular in the world of Rubi-Ka. Firstly, I have discovered a top trick which I call "Shit A Fridge". You will see why, in my point by point guide to "Shit A Fridge".

• Approach a stranger, or a group of strangers.
• Shout "who wants to see me shit a fridge?"
• The showmen amongst you may wish to say "The cavernous arse of Bugner will now allow the passage of a frigidaire for the wonderment of all assembled." First check to make sure that such language is appropriate in a futuristic society.
• Await any encouragement. Any at all. Ensure that at least someone is looking at you.
• Use the /moon emote, and just when you've finished mooning the crowd, drop your fridge directly under your arse. Turn around and use the /bow emote.
• You have just shat a fridge.

The second trick is less dramatic, but can be quite satisfying. Some of the food booths have a design feature which allows you to walk through the back wall and stand behind the counter. These counters also serve as meeting places, for "teams" to talk about their missions, or a foxy celebrity they like. American celebrities... the only link between all trouser-wearing cultures.

Come to think of it, I haven't come across any online celebrities in this game, yet - you'd think there'd be some legendary warrior with a crossbow that fires lava spears. Someone with foes that crap their togas at two in the morning, thinking that a hat and coat on a door-peg is this man, come for vengeance in the night.

Anyway, I stand behind this food counter, and occasionally act the barker. I will shout "Bucket of brown, 50 credits," or "Who will buy my beatiful ass biscuits?"

To begin with, I sat down immediately - thinking that I was being the most hilarious prankster. And, I confess, the first couple of times, I did laugh at myself. Well, there was no-one else there. Soon, however, I wanted more. So I tried some proper spiel.

"Hi! I am a Clan food merchant. I'd simply love to ply my wares into your mouth. Type <buy> to talk to me. I've got some tasty surprises!"

If anyone typed buy, I had it all planned - I was going to say "My feet are killing me, sir. Do you mind if I jump up and down during this transaction?" If they seemed OK with that, then I would sit down and say "Oh, dear, sir. I think the whisky is taking its toll. You couldn't come around here and help me, could you? I think my ankle is very broken indeed."

Only no-one typed buy. Damn them all.

Progress report : None. Killed a few things, got some stuff I don't really know how to use. Still, at least I'm having fun.