While travelling through FingerSpace, follow these important guidelines;

• When approaching lightspeed, be careful not to put your hands behind you in case you touch yourself and go pop.
• Use of Zero Gravity to create obstacle courses for your urine stream ist verboten. This includes throwing tennis balls through the urine stream of your compadrés as they widdle into the prescribed space bogs.
• Does anyone remember the game for the Commodore 64 called The Eidolon? It was great. Three eggcups sang "Oh Mr Sandman" to you. Dragons and everything. Cool.
• While I'm about it, can you sort something out for me? I distinctly remember a character called the "Naughty Torty". The idea behind the Naughty Torty was that he was a six foot tall tortoise who walked into a crowd of children and vomited on them. His keeper, a man with a tortoise training whip, would then run on, shouting "No! Naughty Torty!". He would then usher the tortoise, who was still holding his tummy and looking rather poorly, off stage. Did this really happen? Or did I make it up and believe myself?
• Oh yeah - don't flush the toilet. Due to a wiring problem, the lever that looks like it should flush the toilet actually releases purple knockout gas. God knows where the lever that actually flushes the toilet is. Or, indeed, what purple knockout gas is doing on board a passenger flight to Venus.
• Naughty Torty dilemma solved! According to Josie Rogers and S D Birks, he appeared on Saturday Morning TV Show "What's Up Doc?" with Andy Crane and the bloke from the Twix adverts, who apparently had a profound love of cheese. And do you know what he vomited on the children? That's right! It was ghee! All you've got to remember now is the singing eggcups from The Eidolon and my history will be complete..

These pages are sponsored by Julian and Sandy, the Alien Fingers from Pluto. They wish you a nice space day. That's the equivalent of three Earth days, and is therefore exceptionally polite.