The M'lud Life : Episode One
alvin vs highpole's cat
INT. DAY. THE LOUNGE
[Hilary is sitting
alone in the lounge of the flat, peeling potatoes for dinner. The lift, which
opens directly into the lounge, dings, and starts rising from the ground floor.
Hilary watches it, increasingly nervously. He drums his fingers, a bead of
sweat runs down his forehead, and he squeezes a potato, close ups on each. Eventually the doors open
with a second ding, and two stern looking Christians with "God your rocks
off" T-shirts are inside. Hilary drops his potato. The Christians do not
emerge yet]
Keith
A mother shields her baby from the gunfire. A man on fire runs, he doesn't know where, screaming to his hot doom. Confused pensioners look to the sky and simply ask - why must it be like this?
Noel
[after a dramatic pause] Would you care to believe in God?
[The doors begin to
close - they both block it with their arms and emerge. Hilary backs towards his
bedroom. The following scene is very dark and sinister, THOUGH ABSURD, VISUALLY]
Hilary
Oh, dear... Christians...
Keith
Do you like food?
Hilary
Yes…
Keith
There’s no food in hell. You just gnash your teeth, and squeal as playful imps slap your head and run away.
Noel
And they give you nuggies. Flaming hot nuggies.
Keith
Noel. Begin the conversion ceremony.
[noel WHIPS HIS
ARMS AROUND – EFFECTIVELY VOGUEING. MUSIC. THE FOLLOWING LINES FIT AROUND THE
MUSIC. WHen keith talks about hell, it is disco music, when he talks about
heaven, it is happy house.]
Keith
In hell, people cannot cry, because their eyeballs are full of soot and lava. There is a queue for the toilets over two miles long, and you have to wipe your arse with a pine cone.
Hilary
[Opening the door a crack] Hell sounds awful. Where else can I go?
[The two force
their way inTO THE BEDROOM, and pin Hilary to the bed. Keith kneels on his
chest, AS NOEL DANCES BEHIND HIM, SINGING “CAN YOU FEEL IT?”]
Keith
[still in time with the music] And God so loved you, that he made… Heaven!
[Noel reaches to
the sky and finds new energy in his dance, The description of heaven is like a
tourist information speech]
Keith
Heaven has a variety of light snacks and all the Pringles flavours. Travel in Heaven is accomplished through an elegant monorail system, which stops at all the major landmarks, such as the Chess Zone, the Miniature Village, and the centre of it all, God’s room. When He’s not creating new diseases to punish sinners, God likes nothing more than to play tennis with the dead children.
Hilary
[curious despite himself and his restricted position] Can you have sex?
[Keith glances at
Noel for help - Noel shrugs]
Keith
[tentatively] Yes?
Noel
[thinking about it, smacking his lips] I should think they do.
Keith
[severely again] Yes, you can have sex, but you’re not allowed to spunk off.
[The lift dings
again. Keith points to the door and growls]
Keith
See to that, Noel.
[Noel leaves the
bedroom to deal with Killian]
INT. DAY. The Lift
[Killian, in his
judge's wig, whistles to himself in the lift. He looks into the mirrored wall
and primps himself vainly. As he approaches his floor he sniffs the air. He
senses something awry. He looks at his watch, upon which a crucifix is
flashing.]
Killian
Christians! [He hides to one side of the door]
INT. DAY. The Lounge
[Noel runs into the
kitchen to arm himself - he skims over knives, bigger knives, and guns, settles
on a bottle opener and tries a couple of practice swipes. Satisfied, he runs
back into the lounge and hides symmetrically opposite Killian. The door opens,
and they both pause, and look out at different times, not seeing each other.
This doesn't last for too long, mercifully. After another pause, Noel takes a
random screaming lunge into the lift, which is empty. Killian is somehow
outside, leering.]
Killian
[pointing] Foolish Christian. You hope to harm me with kitchenware?
Noel
[trapping his finger in the bottle opener and twisting limply] Thou base creature! Know thy hell-bound folly and quiver before me!
Killian
Ungh! [wrestling himself free] Be gone, thief of souls! Into the belly of the High Street!
Noel
Ungodly whoreson! You will taste damnation!
Killian
[scornfully] No I won’t, you ghastly prick.
Hilary
[from the bedroom] Help!
Killian
Oh, piss off.
[Noel presses the
button, and as the doors close he starts singing]
Noel
[as the lift starts to go down] Arrgg! I’m falling!... very... slowly...
[he fades out, and
Killian strides into the bedroom]
INT. DAY. The Bedroom
[the scene remains
largely unchanged, Keith on top of Hilary]
Keith
Why don't you believe in God, you git?
Hilary
Urk.. sniurf.. gumph...
Killian
Unhand my flatmate, you God-fearing 'hoon.
[The two look at
each other, and recognise each other as old enemies]
Keith
Killian Redgrave, High Court Judge!
Killian
Darren Jeffs, Area Co-ordinator for Christian Youth!
Keith
That's Keith now, I changed it.
Killian
I care not.
Keith
[as if to say “get her”] Oh, care ye not?
Killian
Nay. Look, just get out, before I kill you.
Keith
You will learn the Word!
Hilary
I thought Grease was the Word.
Killian
[advancing] I’m coming... I’m coming to kill you.
Keith
[nervously, clambering towards the window] Death holds no fear for me, Justice Redgrave.
Killian
[adopts sinisterly camp persona] How about the process of dying?
Keith
Nu... buh... Damn you, Redgrave, you win this battle, but the war against the Godless judiciary will continue! [he opens the window] Until then, Judge, we will be watching you with God's one enormous eye.
Hilary
God’s enormous one-eye?
Keith
No. God doesn’t have an enormous one eye.
Hilary
He must have. How else would he wee-wee all that rain?
Killian
You’re not helping, Hilary.
Keith
[opens the window, dramatic wind blows his cape and hair] A ha, judges, I will be back. In two weeks. [he leaps out of the window] Jesus loves yoooooouuuuu! [he has a parachute and jumps off - an appalling cardboard special effect would be quite nice]
[Pause for a while.
Killian looks at Hilary.]
Hilary
They really almost had me that time. I could feel the faith.
Killian
We need some security in that lift. That's the third unauthorised use since we moved in a fortnight ago. God knows who else could be in the flat. Or would do, if He existed.
Hilary
[excited] We could have celebrities in here.
Killian
[trying to respond to him] That’s very.... possible.
[During the last
exchange, the camera moved to the bedside drawers. From the perspective of
Alvin (the Chipmunk), inside the drawer, we look around the room and hear
hysterical Chipmunk giggling. Fade.]
[as the narrator
speaks, stills illustrate everything he says. This starts slowly, with the icy
scene and Saharan landscape, then very quickly with human, houses and quirky
hairstyles. Every time he says “people” or “humans”, the same picture should be
shown of the kind of picture that gets funnier with repetition. Perhaps that
crowd scene from the introduction to “Cheers”. Erm.... It should be hard to
watch]
Narrator
In the icy wastes of the Arctic, it’s so cold eskimos have to live in coats, and cut holes in the ice just to let the fishies breathe. In the blistering cankerous heat of the Sahara Desert, people bury themselves alive in T-Bag shaped buildings, and shoot the sun with lasers - vainly believing that this will bring about the night. In Ludlow, Shropshire, however, with its attractive half-timbered cottages and occasionally clement weather, all manner of life may thrive. Most noticeably of which, humans, with their houses and quirky hairstyles. Then the Good people made laws against the bad people, and the President of England gave some men hammers with which they could lock peoples in prisons with. These people were called judges, and they were a largely wretched breed, feeding on happiness, shitting misery, and feeding that shit to the children whose happiness they ate in the first place. But even judges need to be loved. So here's the story of four judges who live together, in the attic of an Opera House in Ludlow, Shropshire. We feel sure you'll see that they laugh, cry, and snort things just like the rest of us. In this way, perhaps you'll think twice before breaking the law.
INT. DAY. The Lounge.
[Jools, Killian and
Hilary are inspecting the new security]
Hilary
I feel a lot better now we've got all this new stuff.
Killian
Yes. We've got the periscope, purple knockout gas, and the trap-door should ensure that if any more Christians decide to "drop in", it will become an unpleasantly literal visit. [he chortles to himself, pleased]
Jools
[looking into the persiscope] Hello.... I can see an earwig.
Hilary
Only they won't strictly be dropping in, will they? They'll be dropping out, or away.
Killian
[thinking] No. Not at all. In. They'll be dropping in. Just.. dropping in, somewhere else.
Jools
Hang on... that earwig... it's naked... I can see it's earwiggy boobs. It's a good job I'm not easily shocked.
Hilary
[inspecting the lift] Hey, look at this. According to the ding-o-meter...
Killian
Ding-o-meter?
Hilary
Yes. It counts the amount of times that the lift goes “ding”. All lifts have them, so that ding pollution may be monitored.
Killian
That is so not true. You just made it up.
Hilary
That's technically true, but I do like the idea of ding pollution.
Killian
[begrudgingly] Fine.
Hilary
Anyway, ding-o-meter or not, the lift went “ding” again while we were out.
[Belinda comes from
behind a potted plant, behind which she was mostly visible anyway]
Belinda
Erm.. I'm terribly sorry. I think I'm lost.
Hilary
[startled] Oh, a woman!
Killian
[pinning the woman against the wall by the neck] Explain yourself! Who are you... or should I say... [tugging at her face as though to remove a mask] WHAT are you?
Belinda
[in pain] My name's Belinda, and you're hurting my face. [Killian keeps tugging] Actually, you're really hurting my face.
Killian
Fair enough. [he lets her down, and dusts down his front]
Jools
I do have to say, however, that this earwig has a kind of jaunty swagger. I'm not big on earwigs - as a rule - but this one's got class. And one good thing about being naked - you can't wet yourself.
Belinda
I've been here for about a week now. I didn’t like to say anything. I've had a few of your Ryvita, if you don't mind.
Hilary
[one of Hilary’s flights of fancy... people start to look away and do other things as he talks, like do a Rubik’s cube] That was you! I thought I'd been sleep-eating. I was going to leave a post-it note on them to stop myself, but I didn't know if I could sleep-read and I thought I might eat that as well, and the gum would catch in my throat, like the time I tried to make a papier mache version of my penis and I couldn't go to the toilet for weeks. I inflated.
[Upon meeting silence,
Hilary sits down sheepishly]
Jools
Hello... there's a cranefly in there as well. My, you are the seductress, aren't you? What have you got planned for this leggy blonde?
Belinda
Ahem... do you mind if I leave now?
Killian
Go ahead. It'd probably be best if you left before I have to set Hilary onto you.
[Hilary adopts a
Gladiator pose]
Belinda
So. I'll just go then. OK?
[this suddenly
turns into a getting the last word in competition]
Killian
Fine. You do that.
Belinda
I will.
Killian
Good.
Belinda
Fine. Look at me, going.
Killian
Sorry to see you go, great to watch you leave.
Belinda
Hold the image, buster, it's the last time you'll see it.
Killian
[resorting to non-words] Fneh.
Belinda
Puh.
Hilary
Don't forget your handbag, Belinda.
Belinda
Oh, thanks.
Killian
[still not giving it up] Snih.
Belinda
[waiting for the lift doors to close, she speaks just before they close] Hunh.
Jools
Hang on.... that was my handbag. And it had a bomb in it.
Hilary
Jools... what have I told you about keeping bombs in your handbag?
[In the lift,
Belinda looks around, timidly opens the handbag, and blows up]
[In the lounge, the
three look around a bit sheepishly as the room still shakes]
Killian
Well, it's a kind of justice, I suppose. And it'll certainly teach her for not letting me have the last word.
Hilary
There's still someone in this flat though. [ominously] And next time... it might not be a woman.
Killian
We will have to be vigilant. If anybody notices anything even slightly odd, they will report back to me, and I will compile a fact sheet. [Richard & Judy persona] Copies of this factsheet will be available at the usual address. [normal] But now, it's bedtime.
Jools
Ten minutes. There's some serious lesbo insect action going on in our lift. [laughing] And the ladies don't even know I'm watching.
Killian
Goodnight.
Jools
But you ain't no lady, missy.
Hilary
Jools... does the cranefly really have blonde hair?
Jools
Yes.
Hilary
Can I look?
Jools
No.
Hilary
Oh. Good night, then.
Jools
[getting back into it] She winked at me! Ooh, you minx! I've a good mind to .... oh, dear. [looks at his trousers] There I go again. [slaps himself] Bad Judge!
INT. DAY. Another House's Lounge.
[Ben, Stella, and
Grant plan the best way to tell Mary that she should move out. Ben is simple but
eager, Grant is sarcastic, Stella is down-to-Earth. Hey, they’re only in one
scene. they could be Killian, hilary, and Jools in wigs]
Stella
OK, so we're telling her today, right? She's got to move out.
Grant
I'm not telling her. I'm too nice.
Ben
Christ! Why don't we just lie? Tell her that you're pregnant, Stella. And that she's the father. And the baby has no eyes, just two mouths where the eyes should be.
Stella
No. We need something a little more believable.
Ben
We could say we were going to eat the baby.
Grant
Why don't....
Ben
and that the baby was evil and that's why we had to eat it.
Grant
[nobly ignoring him] Why don't you make a pass at her, Stella? She wouldn't like that.
Stella
I'd rather pick up a sparkler that's just gone out.
Ben
You’re not supposed to do that.
Stella
Yes, I know, Benjamin.
Ben
Hey, why don't we all move out?
Grant
It's an idea. I don't even mind her being a loss adjuster, but must she bring her work home with her? If I find another adjusted loss in the fridge, I'm going to adjust... adjust her arse! [realising he is talking bollocks] Or something.
Stella
It's not even the taxidermy. I mean, she's been at it for so long now, you'd think she'd be able to get it right, but just look!
[Move across some
truly horrible animals. If you remember the cat in "That's Life" that
was mutated by an amateur taxidermist, that's what I'm after. A boz-eyed
crow apparently doing the can-can, a
fish's head attached to the body of a guinea pig or something, and some completely alien creature, perhaps a famous
one, like a Grey, or Predator.]
Stella
I say we just tell her we can't live with a loss adjuster. It's just not us.
Ben
But that's not fair. It's not her fault she's a loss adjuster.
Stella
Ermm.... yes it is.
Ben
Oh, yeah. I thought it was like being black. Ssh! She's coming!
[Mary enters -
about 30 years old, doesn't fit in. She is carrying a bong in one hand and a
bag of fruit in the other]
Mary
What's this? I found it hidden in a secret compartment.
Ben
[despairingly] Oh, shit me out....
Grant
It's a vase.
Mary
[matter-of-factly] Vases are for flowers, and flowers are nice. Mind, the water's a bit dirty.
Grant
That'll be the plant poo.
Ben
Sounds like a good advert for plant poo.
Stella
[showing solidarity despite the weak explanation] And plants do poo terribly, don't they. Tchoh! [she makes a farting sound and gets looked at by the others] What? I'm a plant, pooing. [pause - Grant looks strangely at her] Hey, you said it.
Grant
Yes, but I didn’t ask for Poofest 97 - “Doing It Plantstyle”.
Mary
OK, I think we can all stop saying poo now... but what's this little spout full of twigs?
[long pause,
glances]
Ben
Are they cuttings? [correcting his phrasing immediately without pausing] Yes, they are cuttings.
Grant
[snapping] Look, it's a bong, you dim sow! In the spout is marijuana!
Mary
[dropping the bong, it smashes] Dear sweet Virgin, I am dirtied! [the water has covered her feet] Oh, I'm paddling in narcotics! I feel like I'm in Scotland!
[she skips around
uselessly, trying to avoid the water]
Ben
You really have never tried it, have you? Look. We want you out. You, your freak laboratory, and .... your bag of fruit.
Mary
[suspiciously] This is about the toothpaste, isn't it? If you don't like what I do with the toothpaste, why don't you have the guts to say?
Grant
Toothpaste? What toothpaste?
Mary
And.... what do you mean, "my bag of fruit"? What are you trying to say? There's nothing wrong with fruit. Unless... [a thought occurring to her, which disgusts her]
Grant
No, hang on, what was that about toothpaste?...
Mary
Did you... did... you... think that I... wanked with the fruit? Did you picture me with florets of broccoli dangling from my erect nipples, dancing some arcane pagan ritual and pleasuring myself with a star fruit?
[for a split second,
almost subliminally, show this image of Mary in a field doing exactly that,
with the caption “Broccoli is a Vegetable”]
Grant
[to Ben] Don’t picture it.
Ben
Just did. [shudders]
Mary
I'll start looking for a new place today. I'm certainly not stopping in a house where my flatmates think I wank with fruit!
Grant
But we didn't ... [he gets slapped by Stella - then gets it] oh. Apparently, we did.
Mary
Well! Goodbye! [dramatically blusters out]
[pause]
Stella
Dim sow? Is that a chinese meal?
Ben
I'm sorry. She just pushed me too far that time.
Grant
I want to know what she did with our toothpaste.
[pause. The three all touch their tongues
warily]
INT. DAY. Killian and Hilary's Bedroom.
[Hilary is fiddling
around with his stereo, whilst Killian reads on his bed]
Hilary
[childlike] Kill-iaann?
Killian
[tolerant] Yes, Hilary?
Hilary
Something's gone all funny on my stereo. I'm trying to put on my favourite Betty Boo tape.
Killian
You're not listening to that cod again.
Hilary
It's not cod, Mr Phil S. Tyne, it's hip-hop. And anyway, that's not the point. Look, when I press play... [he plays - we hear Betty Boo at twice the normal speed]
Hilary
It's fast.
Killian
Too fast... I don't like it.
Hilary
Oh, I don't know. You get used to it. I just thought it might be an odd thing for your list. Did you do it?
Killian
I wouldn't play your sturgeon if you payed me.
Hilary
Will you stop referring to Betty Boo in terms of fish?
Killian
So that means.. if it wasn't Jools, we've got ourselves a clue. [he plucks an intercom from the wall] Jools? [an unearthly howl is heard]
Jools
[over the 'com] Mother, sweet Jesus! Good grief!
Killian
For God's sake, Jools, stop that and get to the intercom.
Jools
Wha? Bloody hell... coming...
Killian
Have you sped up Hilary's cassette player?
Jools
Oh, yeah. I couldn’t bloody stop myself.
Hilary
Aha! I knew it was you!
Killian
We haven’t taught you sarcasm, yet, have we?
Jools
Is that all?
Killian
Yes, thank you Jools. [he hangs up the intercom] We've got ourselves the first clue bone in this mystery skeleton.
Hilary
[slowly turning to just past the camera - dramatic] And I wonder which cupboard the skeleton is hiding in?
Killian
[chin on thumb, scratching his cheek] Or is it the skeleton hiding within us all?
Jools
[coming into the room, dishevelled and out of breath] I'm going into.. huff.. town. Does anyone want anything?
Hilary
Yeah, can you get me the new album by
Narrator
[whilst Hilary says Betty Boo] Insert own culture reference here.
Hilary
please? And a screwdriver.
Killian
Nothing for me. [slapping himself] I've got to think!
8. INT. DAY. Estate agent.
[Mary is browsing
the vacancy board[1], with a carrier bag full of animal parts. The
secretary sees her and calls over, friendly like, and as they talk a cat's nose
falls out of her carrier bag and rolls out of the office.]
Amanda
Oh, hello... didn't work out then?
Mary
No. They thought I was some sick pervert, wearing a spaghetti wig and teasing peppers to erection with my seven heads, like a Hydra. [for a couple of seconds, show this scene in a nightclub with Mary dressed up rather saucily]
Amanda
Oh, you do get them, Miss Highpole. I really think we should have a section on the notice board for nice, normal people.
Mary
There's no such thing as a nice normal person, Amanda. Normal nowadays means sexual intercourse, swearing, and checkout girls chewing bubble gum. There are no bastions left, no bulwarks.
Amanda
Bulwarks?
Mary
No, it’s true.
[a half-hearted
applause for this joke - Mary looks around to see where it is coming from]
Amanda
You’ve brought your fan club then.
[Meanwhile, the
nose has rolled out the shop, pausing for a brief "Cat's Nose's Day
Out" caption and lively music to explain the not obvious situation, down
the high street, onto a scaffolding lift, along some scaffolding, fallen off,
bounced off an old lady's perm, gone into a pinball machine, got played tennis
with, and eventually dropped, exhausted into Lord Jools carrier bag - at this
point we snap back to the accommodation office]
Mary
So then, you reckon this one's ideal?
Amanda
Well, you never know. I've put two addresses down for you - so if at third you don't succeed, try, try, try, try, again, again, again.
Mary
Oh, Mandy. What would I do without you?
Amanda
[leaning forwards, raising her eyebrows] I’ll tell you. You'd be sleeping in your swivel chair, using your filing cabinet as a really painful duvet. [she opens her mouth in a substitute for a smile]
Mary
[laughing] Ooh, you're probably right as well.
INT. DAY. The Bathroom.
[Hilary is fishing
around in the shower. He finds a loop of ginger hair in the plughole. He picks
it up and looks through it]
Hilary
Could it be?
Int. Day. The Lounge.
[Jools walks
through the lounge straight into his room, dumping a bag on the coffee table.
He closes the door and starts doing what ever he does in his room. Hilary and
Killian emerge from the bathroom and kitchen at the same time.]
Killian
YOU!
Hilary
Urk! [he backs away]
Killian
STOP THERE!
Hilary
What?
Killian
Have you had your grubby mitts in my Marmite?
Hilary
No! I've got my own jar of Bovril. What would I want with Marmite?
Killian
[contemptuously, as though he thinks Hilary puts it up his arse] Who knows. Well, can you explain how the jar has moved?
Hilary
I don't believe it. [points to his eyes] Show me with my own eyes.
Killian
[dragging him to the cupboard - where everything should be is outlined on the shelf and a photo of the shelf is on the door] See! [he adjusts the Marmite] Everything in its place. [he puts it back] The Marmite is violated - and it is sad. [threateningly] And Hilary, when my mate Marmite is unhappy, then that makes me unhappy.
Hilary
It must have been Jools - [slowly] or our mystery visitor...
Killian
Hilary - you might be right. [he grabs the intercom (there is one in every room)] Jools!
Jools
[very civilised] Can I help you?
Killian
Have you been fannying about with my Marmite?
Jools
No, I’m afraid I can’t help you there.
Killian
So you didn't then?
Jools
Sorry I couldn’t be more help. I love you.
Killian
Jools, are you on the disco biscuits again?
Jools
Yes, I’ve had three.
Killian
Well, stop it. [to the camera, condescendingly] It’s very wrong and you might die.
Hilary
And I think I've got something else - I found this in the shower.
Killian
Eyoo. What is it?
Hilary
It's a loop of ginger pubes.
Killian
[embarrassed] Oh. No, I think we can ignore that one.
Hilary
No, go on, write it down. Write "loop of ginger pubes". Horrible, ginger, pubes.
Killian
Leave it, Hilary. I'm not putting your pubes on my list.
Hilary
They're not my pubes. Mercy, the very idea!
Killian
I'm warning you...
Hilary
Well if you don't write it down, I will, while you're not looking.
Killian
If you so much as go anywhere near my list with a biro then I'll slap your legs.
Hilary
It's not fair.
Killian
Hey, boy, if life was fair then there wouldn’t be much call for judges, and you’d be [lyric is not sung] living in a box, living in a cardboard box. What do you say?
Hilary
[humbled] Sorry, Killian.
Killian
And?
Hilary
Thank you for not writing "loop of ginger pubes".
Killian
That's more like it. [shaking his arms down] Now I feel powerful again.
INt. Day. yet another Lounge.
[Mary is half-way
through her interview with Dan, Kelly and Heather. Same again, Killian, Hilary
and jools in different wigs and clothes]
Mary
And what would you think if I did this? [she drops a garden pea into her cleavage, to general silence]
Heather
You just put a pea in your tits.
Mary
Yes, I did.
Dan
Were your boobs too hot?
Mary
Hardly.
Kelly
Does the pea act as a kind of lubricant, to stop your tits rubbing together?
Mary
It’s good, but it’s not right.
Heather
You didn't do it because you get off on putting peas down your tits, did you?
Mary
That's exactly right. I do not get off of peas. There is no pleasure to be had from vegetables and or fruit. I want you to remember that. [They all nod, sagely]
Kelly
So why did you put the pea there, then?
Mary
Not for pleasure, of course. Finally, I’m a clumsy taxidermist.
Dan
Unh? Is that like a cheeky monkey?
Mary
No, I’m an amateur taxidermist. I’m not very good. In fact, I’m normally short of all the pieces for one animal. The up-side being that I have invented two creatures, the “Radger” and the “Shoat”. [she produces two animals from her bag - a rabbit/badger and a sheep/goat]
[Dan and Mary look
concerned. Heather is excited]
Dan
That’s... remarkable.
Heather
[nervous but wanting to ask] I’ve got a couple of torsoes.
Dan
[surprised] Have you?
Mary
Torsoes? Oh, you haven't got a cat have you? I've got all the parts of a cat but the torso. I was going to cross it with a sheep, but that’d be a “Shat”. If I could just finish my cat...
Heather
[sitting up] It's right here - I use it as a cushion. [a "time passes" animation - a shoddily put together and rather hideous Mr Potato Head style cat sits on the table, eyes on stalks like a crab, and starkly noseless]
Mary
[ferreting round in her bag] I can't understand it - I'm sure I had a nose in here somewhere. It was made out of tungsten. I've got the receipt somewhere.
Heather
We can't leave it like that. It looks stupid.
Mary
[helplessly angry] What do you want me to do about it? I could lop my nose off if you wanted!
Dan
[looking from Mary's nose to cat, mentally removing it] No, perhaps not. Let's just chuck the whole thing away. It's kinda creepy.
Mary
[getting quite neurotic] Don't you believe me? Do you think I imagined a cat's nose? That I'm some sort of acid casualty who hallucinates tungsten animal parts?
Kelly
[diplomatically] No, I think we're all a bit disappointed. I mean, we almost had a cat, but now... well, just look, by playing God we've created a thing without dignity.
Dan
Or a nose.
Mary
Oh, I see where this is headed. It’s my hairstyle, isn’t it? You envy me because I’m going places. You want to be me. Well, you can [gives them the bird] swivel on it. I’m me, and you’re not. [she leaves, taking the cat with her. Outside the house, she puts the cat in the wheelybin. A lingering and sinister close-up.]
INT. day. JUDGE’s Lounge.
[Hilary is lying
under a glass top coffee table, Killian is pressing his face onto it. Hilary is
drawing around it with crayons. It is stormy outside.]
Hilary
Ooh, you do look daft.
Killian
Shud ub and ged on wid id.
Hilary
You want it to be accurate, don’t you? I’m just putting on the bits where you scratched you chicken pox and it scarred.
Killian
[getting up] Right. Thank you. I think we're finished. Yes... I like it. My personalised coffee table. My, pressing your face against glass does whip up an appetite.
Hilary
[to the camera] It’s true. Just try it! [offering Killian a cigarette] Why not suppress your appetite with a tasty lo-cal ciggy?
Killian
[his fingers hovering over the end of the packet] Tempting.... and menthol too, I see. [seeing Jools' bag] Ooh, pretzels. [he dips his hand into the bag, which giggles]
Hilary
Eyoo! A giggling bag. I had one of those when I was a child.
Killian
And who opened these pretzels? ‘Twasn’t I.
Hilary
They’re probably pre-opened. That means they go stale more quickly, so you have to get them in fresher, the same day they were caught, and that makes them more expensive. It’s very clever marketing actually.
Killian
[pause] You actually believe that, don’t you? How do you catch a pretzel?
Hilary
Well, they’re the same shape as lassos, so I suppose.... you’d have to use a cow.
Killian
Ah. Well, in the meantime, Jools won't mind if I just have a couple of his pretzels. [he digs in, chews and then spits them out in some pain]
Killian
What the.... [he takes a cartoon tooth out of his mouth - it does look cartoony] there's a hard bit of white nutty kak in the pretzels! [the lift dings]
Hilary
Quick! The lift! [he grabs the periscope - the full zoom is still on and we see full up her nose, with one large bogey] Killian! It's a jungle in there!
Killian
[taking the periscope] You arse, it's still set to maximum zoom. Zoom out... mind, you are right. That is an enormous snot. That’s quite revolting.
Hilary
Quick! It's almost here! This 20 ton mucus will devour us all! [the doors open and Mary turns around to face them]
Mary
[holding up a butternut and a dog's hind leg] I’ll be short. Do you have any problem with this butternut or this dog's leg?
Killian
[warily] No, stranger. We hold truck with butternuts.
Mary
In that case, I am your new flatmate.
Killian
Would you mind blowing your nose?
[Mary blows her
nose. A fist sized green rock flies from under the hanky and smashes through
the window]
Killian
Better.
Hilary
Your name's not Hilary is it? I don't like girls called Hilary. It challenges my gender boundaries.
Mary
I, sir, am Mary Highpole, Loss Adjuster to the Stars.
Hilary
That's an anagram of Hilary. Hilary Poghem. [pause] Is your name Hilary Poghem?
Mary
No, but Hilary Poghem is an anagram of my name.
Hilary
Incredible. It’s a small world.
Killian
[stroking a magician’s goatee beard he only has for that one shot] By my magical goatee beard! I know who our mystery visitor is!
EXT. DUSK. WHEELYBIN.
[The semi
constructed cat sits motionless, getting soaked by the rain. It is struck by
lightning. Slowly, its neck turns to the camera, and it miaows in a human
voice, Liverpudlian accent.]
INT DUSK. The Lounge.
[Mary, Killian, and
Hilary are seated in the lounge]
Killian
Alright, Alvin, you cheeky chipmunk trespasser, come out of the bag.
Alvin
[emerging from the pretzel bag] How did you know?
Killian
[First two lines sung to the tune of “I Will Survive”] At first, I was confused - I was mystified, [stops singing] why would anyone speed up Hilary's eight track machine? I makes the singing sound ridiculous.
[whilst Killian
explains, show the Chipmunks fixing the machine]
And then - I realised, to a chipmunk, the sound of human singing must be intolerably slow and dreary.
Alvin
Ah, but I wouldn't know how to change an eight-tracker.
Killian
Right, you'd need the help of your more intelligent friend, Simon.
Simon
[rising] I told you this wouldn't work, Alvin.
Alvin
Don't blame me, it wasn't my idea.
Killian
Then there was the momentarily maddening matter of my mysteriously mobile Marmite. That threw me off the track for a while, until I realised I kept a small pile of pellets and rose bulbs behind the Marmite. Our rodent intruders had to eat. It was just a pity that in their eager clumsiness they moved my Marmite, wherein lay the yeast of their destruction.
Alvin
That was you, Simon. Your fat behind knocked over the Marmite.
Simon
Oh, drop it, Alvin. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.
Killian
And finally, the white nutty kak in the pre-opened pretzels bag. No guessing who opened the bag, but why leave the nutty kak behind? I thought it might be a Chipmunk pellet, but that was before I read that owls cough up pellets, and Chipmunks do poos, just like humans and dogs. Then I remembered - Chipmunks are notoriously scared of the dentist. This must be a Chipmunk tooth.
Alvin
Ah, but both of us have all our teeth.
Simon
Yeah.
Killian
Ah, but what about Theodore, the youngest Chipmunk of all?
Theo
[coming up] Thank goodness! I was sick of holding my breath down there! It smells funny.
[Hilary coughs,
trying to get attention]
Simon
That'd be Alvin. He's had awful wind since he ate a whole rose bulb in one go.
Alvin
Hey, the ones I do don't smell -
[Hilary starts
going - “oo - oo”, desperate for attention]
Theo
Yeah, says you.
Alvin
- it must have been you, Simon.
Simon
Oh, right. It’s never you, is it Alvin?
Hilary
ME! Me, me, me! Listen to me! ME.
[pause, everyone
looks at Hilary]
Killian
[warily] Go on....
Hilary
So the loop of ginger pubes was just a red hair-ring?
[The “audience”
goes wild at this joke. Those unfurling party hooters come out the side of the
screen, and “This Week’s Joke” flashes on the screen. Flowers are thrown. It is
over in five seconds and the scene is resumed as though nothing had happened.]
Killian
Anyway, we've still the matter of punishment to consider.
Hilary
Oh, Killian, don't punish them, they're just cartoon chipmunks.
Alvin
We could sing you a song!
Hilary
Yes! That'd be great!
Mary
I do quite like the Chipmunks.
Killian
[grudgingly] Very well. As long as there's a judicial theme. And no rap songs.
Simon
We don't do rap. It isn't wholesome.
Alvin
Well, maybe Hammer, né MC Hammer.
Theo
How about "Love In The First Degree"?
All
Yeah!
[The Chipmunks
sing, sliding around the furniture and dancing on the judges' hands, swinging
from the lightbulbs etcetera. About twenty seconds in, close in on the cat's
nose and swap to the Voodoo Zombie Cat's journey to reclaim its last piece. It
trundles along on a skateboard, and is mostly only half-seen disappearing
around corners. It finally arrives at the Opera House where it hears the music.
Its two crab eyes twist to look at each other. And then, jet boosters in its
feet propel it upwards to the lounge window. It looks in on the happy musical
scene, and sees its nose on the table. It tries to get in, but it smashes into
the window. It makes the sound that cats make when they're annoyed, then moves
away. Inside, again, the song ends.]
Hilary
Oh, that was lovely.
Mary
Although factually awry - you can't get locked up for love!
Killian
Yes you can, dear. Consensual sado-masochistic love, for example. You can get life for that. Bananarama clearly were aware of this.
Hilary
And two men kissing in public is illegal.
Mary
Why would two men want to kiss?
Killian
Yes, Hilary, why would two men want to kiss?
Hilary
Ooh... to save money on lipstick?
[Killian and Mary are
seemingly satisfied with this explanation]
Killian
You can't force your wife to have sex with a dog either. Although I suppose that's not really quite so much love.
Mary
[finding the cat's nose on the table] How did you get this?
Hilary
What is it?
Mary
It's my tungsten-reinforced cat's nose. It'll probably come in handy, so I'll just put it somewhere obscure and forget about it. [she nods to herself] Yes, that’s what I’ll do.
EXT. EVENING. OUTSIDE The Lift.
[The cat sits in
the lift on the ground floor. It shoots one of its eyes out on a string which
hits the button. The doors close and we go up. The cat winds its eye back in.
The door closes and it miaows again in the same accent]
INT. EVENING. The Lounge.
Hilary
[to the Chipmunks] Do you want to see the toy I made?
Theo
Ooh, yes, I love toys!
Simon
Very well.
Hilary
Alright... look away.... [he puts a fake eyeball into his mouth and closes it] Yoo can mook mow. [the Chipmunks look around, and Hilary opens his mouth to reveal the eye, which swivels curiously - Alvin and Simon are unimpressed, Theo shits his pants. Hilary moves the eye to his cheek]
Theo
There was an eyeball in your mouth, Mr Hilary!
Hilary
What? What wath it? Did you thee thomething? [Killian walks through with Mary, showing her around. Follow them, but Hilary still keeps 'entertaining' the Chipmunks with his mouth-eye]
Killian
Stop teasing the Chipmunks, Hilary. Well, that's the kitchen, that's mine and Hilary's room -
Mary
- you sleep together? -
Killian
- in seperate beds. Hilary is scared of the dark and needs someone in the room.
Mary
Oh. So long as you don't sodomise each other.
Killian
[confused] Good lord no. Why would we want to sodomise each other?
Mary
To save money on toilet roll?
[Caption running
underneath; FACT! In the 1940’s, during the Andrex strike, men had to
sodomise each other to clean their bottoms! A good five minute pumping usually
shifted most of the cack. As a matter of courtesy, the recipient would then
urinate over the giver’s penis, washing the excess turd away.]
Killian
[exchanging a glance with Mary] Perhaps. Anyway, this is your room, you'll be sharing with Jools. He's in the House of Lords.
Mary
[giggly, excited] Ooh, a lord. How swanky. I think I'll like it here.
Killian
Come and check out your bed. [They enter - Jools is auto-asphyxiating in the background, thrashing about in a Sainsbury's carrier bag. He remains unnoticed for the banalities of Killian and Mary's conversation.] It’s a flattering bed. Hilary uses it occasionally to make him think he’s a superhero.
Mary
I have a low opinion of my breasts - can the bed compliment them?
Killian
Yes - just press that button. [he presses it]
Bed
Oh, your breasts aren't that bad, they're quite nice really.
Mary
[unsatisfied] Doesn't it get any more sycophantic?
Killian
There's a dial down there... just turn it... and try again...
Bed
Your breasts are the yardsticks by which all other breasts are to be measured. And you can fly.
Mary
Yes, that's much better. Do I get the sheets?
Killian
[Mexican accent] Well, not if you eat enough fibre you don't.
[the half-hearted
applause, again. Killian and Mary look around, again.]
Mary
What is that?
Killian
It’s coming from that drawer. [He opens it] Oh, there’s a little audience in here!
Mary
Oh, that’s sweet. But they’re a bit smelly. Spray them with this deodorant.
[killian does so.
Canned coughing. he closes the drawer and resumes]
Mary
Right then... is there anything else? I like a quiet, decent life, and I don't agree with anything that minorities do, because they only do it to show off.
Killian
I think you'll find you're safely within the moral majority here. It's a daily crusade against minorities up here.
Mary
Excellent! Well, everything seems to be in order here. Would you be a dear and help me get my cases?
Killian
One last thing.... you said you were a loss adjuster.
Mary
Erm.. yes...
Killian
Well that'll have to change. We're all judges up here. It’s sort of a theme.
Mary
Very well.
Killian
Walk in this manner.
Mary
[obviously] If I could walk in that manner, I’d be.. following.. you. [realising] Oh. [they go back into the lounge. Jools falls over elaborately]
Jools
[getting out of the bag, out of breath] Jesus! They should put a warning on these things!
INT. EVENING. The Lounge.
[Hilary is still
doing the mouth-eye thing with the Chipmunks. Theodore is still being shocked
by it. Killian and Mary come back in]
Killian
Oh, for God's sake, Hilary, take the eye out of your mouth. You're boring the rodents.
Mary
I'll just go and dump the sump.
Killian
The shit-pot's through there. [she goes - the lift dings]
Killian
[moving to the periscope] Identify yourself!
Cat
Miaow.
Killian
No chance, mister. We’re not having a cat in here as well. [he presses the button]
[the doors open.
The lift is empty. The cat rises from the trapdoor. Surprised, Hilary swallows
the mouth-eye and starts to choke.]
Alvin
Oh dear, a voodoo zombie cat. [the Chipmunks jump into the bag]
Killian
Shit soup... [notices Hilary choking] Hilary - come here. Look at the cat. [he performs the Heimlich on Hilary, aiming the eye at the cat. The eye shoots out and knocks the cat against the wall. It slides behind the sofa. Killian bats hits hands together.]
Hilary
Crikey.
Killian
Right then, let’s have those ugly, ugly Chipmunks out of our flat.
Simon
But we've got nowhere to go!
Killian
And that gives me some moral duty to look after you? Go on, get out.
Theo
[looking as cute as he can] But Mr Killian...
Hilary
[pleading similarly] Killian...
Killian
No! I want those Chipmunks out now!
[they sullenly
trudge into the lift and hit the button, standing on each others' shoulders]
Killian
[sighing] Well that's that, then. [The cat rises from behind a chair and starts making a high-pitched whistle. Killian and Hilary fall to the floor with hands over ears]
Hilary
What do you want from us?
Cat
Rowr. Ffft. [the screen goes all wobbly as the two grow faint, with skewed angles of the cat. Mary returns from the toilet]
Mary
The cat! It has come to reclaim its nose. Now, where did I put it....?
[Mary faffs about,
scratching her head whilst Killian and Hilary continue dying - she looks in biscuit tins, under rugs, on
top of wardrobes etcetera]
Cat
Miaow.
Mary
Aha! [she finds it down the back of the sofa] Isn’t that always the way! [the cat sees its nose and moves over] Come get a piece of me, cat. C’maan. [she sprinkles pepper onto the nose. The whistling stops. The cat sneezes in its accent]
Hilary
Just give it the nose, for God’s sake.
Mary
Oh. Alright. [She tosses the nose to the cat, there is a small explosion, and a normal cat drops out of the smoke.]
Killian
Well that's that sorted then. What was it?
Mary
An unfinished reanimated voodoo zombie cat. It came back to claim its rightful nose. I created it [looking at her watch] ooh, some ten minutes ago now. It seems that I shouldn't have played God.
Killian
Speak for yourself. Personally, I get quite a kick out of it.
Mary
Well, yes.
Hilary
Killian, I’ve been thinking.... have you got ginger pubes?
Mary
Eur. How revolting.
Killian
Enough, already! Yes! It’s true.... [becoming detached] I was bitten by an escaped experimental dog as a child, and ever since then my pubes have developed this concerning ginger hue that is resistant to dyes. My pubes cannot be cut by the scissors of mortals. Only the mystical night clippers of Bel-Shabbath may cut my pubes. And they were lost forever into the volcano at Din-Garoth.
Cat
[after a pause - still with the human voice] Miaow.
Hilary
Can we keep it? It's very sweet.
Killian
Well, I don't see why not. As long as no-one makes pussy jokes.
Mary
I'll just give it some congealed beef fat.
Hilary
What is that?
Mary
My pussy's dripping!
Killian
Right! You two, outside.
[they all laugh -
then freeze - Killian starts moving again]
Killian
No, I mean it. Outside. Come on. [eagerly] Let’s have a fight.
Bonus Scene! What Mary Does With Toothpaste
[As the credits
run.....]
[1] “Thirsty Landlord Seeks Wet Tenants”. “Square Wheeled Bicycle Required By Man Stuck On Stairs”.
“I’ll spank your monkey - expert discipline for cheeky chimps”. “Wide range of ejaculates, from premature to Tantric”.
“ ‘Filthy bitch’ dog washing service - shiat-sius shampoo’d and spaniels sponged - next day delivery”