so...I don't go out to gay clubs much but I made an exception this one night.

And went to DTPM, which is generally awful but I don't usually have anything important to do on a monday

I'm going to show my ignorance

Is DTPM a hi-NRG hellhole?

It's a London thing

it's not quite that bad...there are a few rooms to choose from

but being on a Sunday night it tends to be full of waiters and whores

Righty ho

Anyway, I bumped into some Brazilian I knew who was some friend of an ex

I had always quite fancied his boyfriend

This is complicated

But I'm with you so far

Yes...it's involved

OK, so suddenly he's inviting me back for a threesome with him and the bf

Ooh, you jammy toerag

Well.

Being a bit drug-addled I agreed and we went back

During the course of the night I was...ahem...accommodating to both of them. At the same time.

(They just sort of slipped in)

I'm frothing!

This, as you might imagine, is quite...stretching

This is better than Jilly Cooper

I can indeed imagine. Weren't you in pain?

Not with the amount of drugs I'd imbibed by this point

I bet you had that glazed porn star look on your face

I always have that look on my face

OK so in the morning

I noticed that I had been...leaking some sort of brown fluid on the sheets

Some mysterious brown fluid...

So while they were out of the room I gathered up the sheets and stuffed them in the ali-baba

this is all just preamble, incidentally

Excellent. I was dreading that that would be the end.

I was sort of hoping they wouldn't notice

Anyway, we headed out of the door and they were walking me towards the tube station.

Supporting you, more like

Yes, I was still giddy

I had neglegted to wear any pants under my jeans, as I am wont to do on occasion

Oh, dear

They left me at this point to go to an art shop

All of a sudden I had the most disgusting gurgle from my stomach

I often suffer from a gippy bowel

But of course by this time I had little control over my tired sphincter

I really did try to screw down on it and keep it in

But it was pointless

Oh... dear...

So a load of half digested, narcotic soaked waste emptied itself into the seat of my jeans

I'm laughing despite myself

and began to slip down my leg

Was there a lot?

I couldn't be sure at this stage

I just knew it felt...squishy

I understand - carry on

and a quick finger round the back confirmed that it was soaking through

I'm clenching in sympathy

i must light a cigarette for this part

So there I was

in the middle of northeast london

only feet from the tube, but unable to take it

Had your bedpartners left you for good, or just to go into a shop?

they had gone for good now

i looked in vain for some alleyway where i could go and take some sort of charge of the situation

i tied my sweatshirt around my waist to disguise any leakage

canny

canny indeed

and decided to look for some sort of public toilet

I walked about A MILE

close to tears

I want to hug you, but I don't want to hug you

and eventually came across the McDonalds at Seven Sisters

heh

This is my favourite part

But I remained resolutely middle class

And actually queued up to buy a coke in order to use the lavatory

What?

Didn't it smell?

I expect so

I hovered a decent distance away from people

But you didn't care

no, the end was in sight

So I eventually got into the cubicle and mopped down the substance which was covering my lower portions, which bore very little resemblence to the shit we know and love

and that was it really...i walked up to the tube after that, with the sweatshirt still round my waist, and spent an incredibly paranoid journey home convinced everyone around me could smell the rot of my gut

Weren't your trousers still sodden?

they had dried out somewhat

Tell me you didn't sit down

i did, but on the sweatshirt

Hmmm. That's still pretty skanky, you skanky ass ho

i was just confused by the whole thing

Good lord. I've been offered a privileged glimpse into the lives of those more adventurous and interesting than myself.

well i'm generally only more adventurous and interesting on drugs

I've always rather fancied a threesome, but never really known how to ask.

i don't think i could ask

"Fancy a threesome" sounds a little crass, I think

i was sort of...forced

Oh, you loved it

You dirty cow

i still to this day do not know how i managed it. what a wonderful organ the rectum is.

except when it lets you down.

It's very forgiving

But its wrath is mighty

heh

And smells