So, tell me your tale.

And for the record, for all the people out there, this is a lady!

This happened in my first year of university

So you're a fully grown adult, with no excuses. Excellent.

I was a student actually.  Me and some people who claimed to be friends went out to a nightclub

Was it a drinky club or a more sophiscated drug-taking club? It affects the poo, you see.

it was in Essex. Does that help?

Say no more, I think

I was a bit silly. I drank rather a lot of beer and alcopop earlier in the evening, but it ended with me downing ten double southern comforts, and two tequila slammers

Now that's respectable. I would have shat myself five times by now.

Well I think after that I felt quite chipper, and went to the dance floor. I recall jiggling around for about 20 seconds then feeling the need to find the toilets

It begins... (I like the idea of jiggling - it sounds more like writhing than anything else)

Squirming

there's more squirming shortly.

I will hush

so I said hello to Huey, gave the toilet a hug, then retired to the floor

I recall I had one leg sticking out under the cubicle door - I remember this because someone was pulling on it

Anyone you know?

Seems a bit forward.

Well yes, but I couldn't see so she might have actually been tripping over it

so no poo at this point. I was dragged outside into the freezing cold by the bouncer and was sat down, and threw up some more.

Away from the beautiful toilets

they were beautiful, after i'd finished

Did you feel any better after a nice vomit?

there was very little "after". it was a continuous sort of thing

so, the bouncer, bless him, actually dragged me home, but I can't remember much of this. I think I tried to snog him.  I also lost my keys. Housemate let me in and must have got me to bed somehow.

Oh, I do like that, you classy tart. "Giz kiss, you big bugger - don't mind the chunks"

yeah, if I tuck my hair behind my ears you won't see the vomit stuck to it

You've got aaall the moves.

Sometime during the night, I'm not sure when, I sat bolt upright in bed, and projectile vomited a full two metres down the room.  I have an image of it in my mind like the sex scene out of Fight Club, with one of those arc camera things

me and a stream of vomit, frozen in time

And an audience wearing 3D glasses sat at the foot of your bed

ok here's the poo

Those are the words I live to hear

Although vomit is good too

I lay down and went back to sleep after the vomit cannon, but I very clearly recall the moment I became concious of needing a poo

so I just did it

quite a lot of it

Admirable attitude, that

it wasn't runny, it was some of the healthiest stools I've done. heheh stools

I know the frame of mind you're in... the kind where you can justify anything to yourself. But  was there any point where you felt... alarmed?

And thought - this is a big poo coming out of my lady's arse?

nope

Fair enough

it was a totally primative thing, just "need poo. will poo" straaaain

I'm doubly impressed that you actually strained to get it out. Everyone else has had the decency to *try* to hold it in...

it was healthy pushing. purposeful.

Ok so then I went back to sleep

Any dreams that you can recall?

Robot dinosaurs, or say, rolling around in shit?

errr i dont think i was capable of that amount of brain function

So, the next thing you know, it's morning.

well I'd taken most of my clothes off before I'd gotten into bed, so the japanese would have been interested

half naked and smeared in poo

More, please. Exactly where were you smeared?

This is what I - we - need to know.

well, in the buttock area, halfway up my back and down my thighs

Now I'm going to ask what might appear to be a very forward question

Had any gone up your ... special garden?

not up in, but on it

Sorry about that - I got excited

Non-sexually, you understand

of course

I am not a monster

hehe

so, i sat up, and saw some poo on the sheets, sort of smeared. so I got up, went to the bathroom and tried to clean myself up a bit.  it was difficult becuase I couldn't stop retching

Hungover, then?

rather.  this was a shared house and the bathroom was outside my room. I think I used a towel to wrap myself up

I was panicking, -  this is no lie: I had a new job starting that morning

Your first day?

yep

it was a temp job that was hard to come by in the uni offices. pay was good

Unis are quite forgiving of quirks, I imagine. But... rolling in covered in shit might test their equal opportunities policy

lol

so I felt the need to sort out the sheets before I left. I started gathering them off the bed, and my hand touched on something

Something... brown?

Something... oily?

and surprisingly firm

Very well done to you. Have a biscuit

i unravelled a perfect turd, about four inches long, from the sheet

Was it the only survivor?

I thought so...i ran to the bathroom, got loo roll, carefully wrapped it up. pulled the rest of the sheet off the bed

and two more poos rolled out

You make them sound so cheerful

well things look that way in the morning sunlight, don't they

Yeah, shafts of luminance bouncing off the mucus

mmm

I think there were some smaller round ones too.

Following like ducklings

so I had my duvet cover and sheet off the bed (squelching around in loch vomit all the while)

I'd entirely forgotten the vomit

Thanks for bringing that up

Badum tish - eye thang yew

you're welcome

got the poos and the sheets into the bathroom, locked myself in. ran a bath, put the sheets in

I bet your hair looked nice.

then had an attack of diareah (I can never spell that)

There's a bonus

all down the front of the toilet, on the floor. it was headed up by the last of the firm poos which went on the floor

So, you were in the bathroom - and you still managed to shit all over the floor?

Kudos to you

so i've only put the hot tap on, so theres a nice poo stew brewing in the bath

the room quickly steams up, and the aroma of poo is all around.

There was shit in the bath, too? You must have been running around in circles!

well the sheets had a fair amount stuck to them.

i was actually stirring the bath from the toilet

Oh, yes

with my hand

You don't half fucking ming you know

aw thank you

i was trying to get as much of the poo out as I could

slipping around on my knees in the diareah

ok i'm exaggerating now. there wasn't that much on the floor

But the image was glorious while it lasted

I wish I could put into words what it was like with the steam and the smell...

(To try this at home, simply shit in a kettle)

i had no more vomit left

but I did lots of heaving

Well at least you were trying.

yes. somehow I cleaned it all up, with my housemate knocking on the door because she had a lecture to go to

she went in there as I left. she never said a word about the smell

I think she probably assumed you were aware of it

heh

Were you late for work?

yes a bit

Hang on, have you even finished shitting yet?

yes, all dried up

How did you fare at your first day, then?

I'm being told what to do at work and the room is spinning

i'd find myself leaning into the angle the room was at, then nearly falling off my chair

then the cramps came...yes! more poo

good lord

they had a little single loo which was directly off the main office area

The new batch of poo still inside you at this point?

some of it was

i don't know where it came from

still no vomit though. but the sink being right next to the loo in there was good

squitting and heaving

sounds like a country song

Dry heaving is very noisy - did everyone hear you?

yes. they heard the pebble dashing as well

So all in all, they're pretty impressed

yes. bless em they didn't realise I was drunk. I told them I wasn't well and had to leave

Aw... you must have got the "mother's little soldier" medal for turning out to work in that state...

yeah. they were such nice dears.  i do wonder if they just wanted me out of there cuz i smelt like steamed poo

There's a happy end to the story

A rainbow landed on your nose?

I finally vomited the last when I got home

Thank god for that.

but i never got the original (and best) projectile vomit out of the carpet.

i put bicarb on soda on it for some reason.  a friend I lived with in the third year stayed over the summer and got put in my old room.  The stain is still there

Do you visit?

I'd love to

relive the memorys

but i have since moved on and pooed in other places.

You can never go back - you were wise to move on.

back to more tales of the smear...