SCENE ONE: CARDIFF

GWEN
Hello Jack, I found this in a spaceship. It has made my tits huge.

JACK
Watch out, it’s got monsters in it!

THEY FUCK UNTIL GWEN GLOWS

GWEN
WHAT IS HAPPENING MY TITS ARE HATCHING

JACK
I’m just that good, baby. [he smokes a cigarette which also hatches]

SCENE TWO : STILL CARDIFF

OWEN
Can I have a fag please?

JACK
That’s what I say half the time - I’m totally bisexual. How do you like them apples?

OWEN
It genuinely means nothing to me.

JACK
Right, whatever bitch, I’m off to stand on top of St Paul’s Cathedral. Laters.

SCENE THREE: ABOVE CARDIFF

TOSH
I think I fancy Owen.

JACK
Girls and boys having sex is boring and for children. Do something adult for blimey’s sake.

TOSH
Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggg *trump*

JACK
Haha! You totally farted. Welcome back to the team. You didn’t follow through did you? That would be super-gross forever IDST

OWEN
Quick! There’s a monster made out of bras on the roof!

JACK
BUT THAT’S WHERE I LIKE TO STAND

SCENE FOUR: ALTERNATE CARDIFF

Two monsters come through a Welsh rift. They look a bit adult / sexy and like they can possess humans / take human form and have sex.

JACK
Hi there! I’m nonchalant as fuck, me.

ALIENS
You are not like the others Captain Jack Harkness, it’s like yow ded or sommat.

JACK BITES HIS BOTTOM LIP AND RUNS OFF BLUBBING INTO A DOOR. TOSH WALKS IN AND DOESN’T REALISE THERE’S ALIENS

TOSH
Jack, my fanny itches. I think it’s probably aliens. Gasp! Aliens!

ALIENS
Don’t blame us like. You probably got barnacles from doing it with a space whale, you mucky boot.

TOSH
YOU CAN READ MINDS?

BARNACLE
Me too! Let’s all think about cocks.

EVERYONE ROLLS AROUND ON THE FLOOR IN SOFT FOCUS

SCENE FIVE: SPACE CARDIFF

JACK
Thank GOD they were allergic to human semen!

OWEN
And I’ve got some left over for when they come back!

JACK
I’ll put that into stor… where did all the spunk go? There was seven gallons of spunk right here.

GWEN BURPS. JACK PUTS HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS AND PUFFS HIS CHEEKS OUT. TOSH LAUGHS AND GWEN BURPS AGAIN.

THE END OR IS IT ETC

Russell T Davies CAN I HAVE TEN THOUSAND FUCKING POUNDS PLEASE or what

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“My cock is an angry red nubbin, that flies into a spitting rage when shown any kind of affection. It is crooked - a remarkable achievement for something so lacking in length - and one large vein dominates the south face of my otherwise featureless mound, like a lazy boil. If it were a celebrity, my cock would be Walter Matthau.”

Also, be a love and send your favourite cock pics to haynonnymus at the gmail, dotcom and I’ll send you sixty pound.