As anyone who knows me will tell you, I LOVE ANIMALS! I hate spiders, but who doesn't? Spiders walk around with their arses in the air like they are supermodels. Spiders think they are so cool - but they're not so cool when I've got them stuck under pastel beakers, are they? I play my recorder at them - "Not so cool now! NOT SO COOL NOW!!!" I have a room full of beakers where I go if I have had any kind of disagreement with someone in a position of authority.

So, on my special Zoo day out, I wanted to look very nice. So I got my bestest friend in the whole world, Sandy. Sandy has lost weight since I wrote my other page. She is on a special diet that I recommended to her as a joke - she can only eat things that are smaller than my eyes. She is always holding things up to my eyes to check! I'm not complaining, though - I get to see some crazy little foods!

Still, she's lost over ten kilograms - so I guess the egg is on my face now. Bitch.

Here I am, with Sandy. I have just told a cheeky joke. Sandy is smiling. I always wait for people to smile before I tell a joke, and then I tell it really quickly so they don't have time to stop smiling before I finish the joke. Sandy is here with me at the moment, aren't you?

Yes. I was

Great! Thanks, Sandy. Make a cup of tea, would you? No, it's OK, you don't have to type your answer. It's not YOUR website, is it?

(Can you see the fax I am sending to Janet Jackson?)

I tried on my sexiest outfit first. The purple skirt cost me over ten pounds; it is made out of this fabric that makes my legs feel all itchy and charges my pubic hair with electricity! When I take the skirt off at the end of a night of dancing, my pubicles are so bristling with power that little sparks come off them, and I can pull balloons off the wall!

Tee hee! I can't believe I told you that! It's a good job that Sandy is still in the kitchen, making the tea!

The internet is so rude.

Black T-Shirt from Hotspur & Clart, £299
Purple Sandpaper Skirt Flute from Charmander & Frig, £11

Sure, we'll see tears fall -
Life never was all rainbows!
But there'll always be...
Me and my duck...
My duck and me!!!

Look at this duck. I saw it last week, and I decided that I wanted a duck of my own. It was so cute! So I grabbed it (after luring it closer with a picture I drew of a female duck with a bow on its beak) and stuffed it up my shirt and ran home, leaving Log to do the shopping on his own.

Me and my duck got up to mischief! After twenty minutes, the duck had flapped at the window for so long that it was exhausted, so I dressed it up in a little bow tie and beret, and tied it to my head. When it came around, it must have been confused because it started pecking my eyes, and shit down my neck.

I put the duck back in the wild last week. I expect it will come back.

This photo is of Log, lost in time and space. Sometimes he disappears for days on end, because he was with me the week before. He's not lying, because I remember him being there.

This is Log. He is my boyfriend. He is so flambouyant! Sometimes I joke with him that he would make a better girl than me! The last time I said this to him, he let out this really long sigh, got out of bed, and went to sleep in the spare room. I felt really guilty, so I went in to apologise. He'd obviously taken it harder than I thought, because he was giving a piggy back to a sad old man who was shiny with sweat, even though the room was cold. He does that when he is looking for attention, so I gave him a hug, but the sad old man hit me on the nose with with palms.

So, I apologised the day after instead. I would never hurt Log on purpose.

Full Period Dress from H&M, £5.99
Hat from Shoplifter in The King Billy, Sneinton, £2 with a plastic watch thrown in